Thank God I’m Away!!! Now leave me the F alone!
I am finally here in my secret getaway place! I arrive yesterday evening and I’m just chillin’ here listening some NuJazz on the DishTV channel trying to make my list so I can head out to the grocery store to get a few items until my Vita Cost order comes in. This trip is about getting clarity and getting myself together, but there are some people in my life that are trying to ruin that for me for their own selfish reasons and I’m just not having this shit! NOT THIS YEAR! My fucking father called me again on New Year’s Day and I told him to basically fuck off and he still doesn’t fucking get it because the dumb ass called me again on Tuesday morning and this morning! Both times I was asleep! SERIOUSLY!! I’ve made it clear that I don’t want him contacting me and now he’s calling me more than ever. I’m seriously about to get my number changed. I heard his messages and he had the AUDACITY to tell me he FORGIVES ME for cursing him out!!!! Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME! He said he was in rehab and that he goes to church every morning to ask GOD to FORGIVE ME! He’s so fucking lucky that I didn’t answer that phone to hear that shit! Can he get run over by a fucking bus already! I swear some people have the fucking nerve!
So get this, On Dec. 30th I was over my mom’s to spend some time with my niece to watch her open the gifts I got her for Christmas. Well we were having a good time and my older brother’s girlfriend was there hanging out with us! She’s real sweet and we were just cracking up. So basically to make a long story short. I found out from her that my father called my mom after our “heartfelt” Christmas call and told her everything. ALL WEEK I spoke to my mom and she never mentioned it to me. Yet she told my brother’s girlfriend about the call and said “What does he expect! He hasn’t been there for them.” So I was livid, but I have to just act like it doesn’t affect me. You would think that MAYBE…. just fucking MAYBE she would have called me right after to check on me to see if I’m ok!! NOPE!! So I asked her about it after everyone left and she said, “Yes he called and I listened and said, ‘Mmm Hmm, Mmm Hmmm, Mmm Hmmm’… he said ‘Bye’ and I said ‘Bye’ and that was it!” She said all of that with no emotion while eating a fruit cup. I asked her if she said anything else and she was like NOPE! So again…. I contained the rage that was swelling up inside before I went off in a psychotic rant. She still didn’t feel the need to ask me “How are you doing?”
Seriously… Is that to much to ask for? It’s not like I’m asking for a fucking iPad or a damn car! I left that night and as soon as I got in the car.. I just burst into tears… actually hoping to run my car into a pole! I just fucking give up on ever believing that I may matter just a tiny bit to her! My mother is there for me when I’m sick and I know she’s tried to do the best that she could in raising 4 kids all on her own! We’re all college educated, no drug addicts or menaces to society! I truly want to believe my mother loves me but it’s times like this that make me wonder…”Do you really care about me?, Do you care ANYTHING for me? I’m drowning emotionally and mentally right in front of you and you CAN’T throw me a life preserver and let me know the I FUCKING MATTER TO YOU!!!!!” As I drove away it was “T” that was there for me to calm me down and make sure that I didn’t wrap my car around a pole. He’s been there to comfort me when everyone else started avoiding me. I know everyone has their own set of issues and life problems but friends are suppose to be there for you. That’s the kind of friend I’ve ALWAYS been… even dealing with my own personal shit! “T” truly means it when hes says call me ANYTIME! I can’t say the same for many people who I thought meant it when they made that same statement. As I was writing this… guess who just called to check up on me? LOL… “T”! I told him his ears must have been burning! He calms me down and I really like that! Ok… I need to go to the store! I’m starving!
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