On March 8th, I thought I finally found a doctor who could help me with my situation. I called Dr. B in California and she listened to me for over an hour and I felt so hopeful. She told me to call her back the next day as she researched my options. I did and no answer, so I left a message. Then I tried again a few days later and still no answer and the hope I had was gone again. She said she would help, yet she isn’t retuning any of my calls. After my huge episode today I found myself dialing her number and begging her to call me, to help me because I just don’t know who to turn to. I’ll move to California and spend all my savings if it means that I will finally get the help I need to reclaim my life. I realized that it doesn’t matter where I go and as peaceful as it may be here, I can’t escape the past. I can’t escape what it’s done to me physically, spiritually, emotionally and how deeply it has affected me psychologically. I have to reprogram my brain and that’s not something I can do alone. I NEED professional help!! I NEED support!! I NEED to fix this mess before I completely lose it! I was suppose to be home months ago, but I kept prolonging my stay because I can’t bare it.

So get this, On Dec. 30th I was over my mom’s to spend some time with my niece to watch her open the gifts I got her for Christmas. Well we were having a good time and my older brother’s girlfriend was there hanging out with us! She’s real sweet and we were just cracking up. So basically to make a long story short. I found out from her that my father called my mom after our “heartfelt” Christmas call and told her everything. ALL WEEK I spoke to my mom and she never mentioned it to me. Yet she told my brother’s girlfriend about the call and said “What does he expect! He hasn’t been there for them.” So I was livid, but I have to just act like it doesn’t affect me. You would think that MAYBE…. just fucking MAYBE she would have called me right after to check on me to see if I’m ok!! NOPE!! So I asked her about it after everyone left and she said, “Yes he called and I listened and said, ‘Mmm Hmm, Mmm Hmmm, Mmm Hmmm’… he said ‘Bye’ and I said ‘Bye’ and that was it!” She said all of that with no emotion while eating a fruit cup. I asked her if she said anything else and she was like NOPE! So again…. I contained the rage that was swelling up inside before I went off in a psychotic rant. She still didn’t feel the need to ask me “How are you doing?”

Seriously… Is that to much to ask for? It’s not like I’m asking for a fucking iPad or a damn car! I left that night and as soon as I got in the car.. I just burst into tears… actually hoping to run my car into a pole! I just fucking give up on ever believing that I may matter just a tiny bit to her! My mother is there for me when I’m sick and I know she’s tried to do the best that she could in raising 4 kids all on her own! We’re all college educated, no drug addicts or menaces to society! I truly want to believe my mother loves me but it’s times like this that make me wonder…”Do you really care about me?, Do you care ANYTHING for me? I’m drowning emotionally and mentally right in front of you and you CAN’T throw me a life preserver and let me know the I FUCKING MATTER TO YOU!!!!!” As I drove away it was “T” that was there for me to calm me down and make sure that I didn’t wrap my car around a pole. He’s been there to comfort me when everyone else started avoiding me. I know everyone has their own set of issues and life problems but friends are suppose to be there for you. That’s the kind of friend I’ve ALWAYS been… even dealing with my own personal shit! “T” truly means it when hes says call me ANYTIME! I can’t say the same for many people who I thought meant it when they made that same statement. As I was writing this… guess who just called to check up on me? LOL… “T”! I told him his ears must have been burning! He calms me down and I really like that! Ok… I need to go to the store! I’m starving!

Some of my goals are extremely ambitious, “like learning and performing Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata (ALL 3 MOVEMENTS)”!! I am NOT a pianist!!! I can play enough to learn my music and give voice lessons, but I can’t even accompany my students when they sing their piece. I would make too many mistakes which would then mess them up. However, I fell in love with the 3rd movement “Presto agitato” when I heard it years ago on a Beethoven for Babies CD I purchased. Some of my goals, like the one I just mentioned, will take some time for me to work on it before completion. The others, like “visit the White House” won’t require so much work and effort. As I complete each goal I will either take a picture of it or video tape it and write a post about my experience! I can’t wait!!! I’ll keep you posted!

Take care,
Une Belle Noir

Tuesday April 6th, 2010

Food Journal

1 lb. of strawberries 1/2 c. of Bolthouse Farms Mango 1 c. Bolthouse Farms Green Tea Mango (70) Salad (165): 1 c. baby romaine lettuce (10); 1 c. baby spinach (35); 14 baby carrots (35); 12 grape tomatoes (30); 1 Tbsp. balsamic dressing (55)

Exercise Swimming/Water Jogging: 1/3 of a mile (34 mins. 48 secs.)

Water Weight Training: 25 reps of each Front Raises, Butterflies, Lateral Raises, Back Butterflies, Bicep Curls, Tricep Kickbacks, Rows, Push-Ups, Big Kicks, Cardio Curtsy (25 mins

• Research a health concern that is of interest to you.

• Find information on herbs.

• Find information on supplements.

• Search an index of remedies (drugs) by brand and product names.

• Research drug depletions.

• Read descriptions of alternative modalities, (treatment options).

You should definitely check out the Delicious Living (<- click) section, the have a lot of recipes, most with pictures ( I love pictures) and some very good articles about common health problems like allergies and solutions for them. Just check out the site and go through the different departments listed. Thought I’d share, enjoy!!